Peg Kerr's Journal

The very first soul collage card I ever created was the balance card:



Balance

I am the graceful one who balances poised in the air, sometimes teetering, but never falling. I am the one who perfectly centers opposing forces while still moving forward.

This week, on the other hand, I have been thinking about the opposite: imbalance.

I think it started with all the hard work I did during Box Week, three weeks ago. I got a lot done, but I physically and emotionally exhausted myself. I decided to take it easy the next week.

But . . . I've definitely noticed that I have started a kind of a spiral. This sometimes happens when I get depressed, but it took me a while to figure out what was going on. I didn't notice the pattern at first because . . . I wasn't depressed. I'm truly not, honest. But I have been sleeping absolutely terribly, and then I started not eating as well. Things got worse to the point that I also stopped doing physical exercise.

And I have dived into an utterly fierce all-consuming fanfiction reading jag. (Jane Austen fanfiction again). I have had other obsessive jags in the past, but this one is becoming rather all-consuming. This is something the girls and I have all experienced at times (and Rob did, too, so the girls definitely got it from both sides of the family). It's interesting having the realization that I need to pull myself out of a tail spin, but not quite having the wherewithal to do it--yet.

Creating this card was actually great fun, and I'm delighted with how it turned out as well as smug about how I figured out the technical aspects of moving from my envisionment to the final result. I was able to (finally!) get a full body shot thanks to a visit from my long-time friend Laurel Winter. She stood at the bottom of my front steps and took from below a burst of thirty pictures as I acted out losing my balance. Then I took a picture from the beginning, another from the middle, and one from the end, removed the backgrounds, and assembled the digital card using transparent effects. The balance pole I'm holding is my karate bo.

Ironically, after I explained my vision of the card and Laurie took the photos of me, she did a Celtic Cross tarot reading for me. The card that showed up in the "Root" position was...the second of Pentacles, the balance card. Wow.



Imbalance caused by the grip of obsession isn't entirely bad. I wrote a small fanfiction story, the first writing I've done in a long, long time, and I have started another I'm even more pleased with that I hope to post soon. Edited to add: Here's the second story, which I have finished, too.


Imbalance



Click here to read about the 52 card project and see the year's gallery.

Like so many women, I am constantly on the lookout for a better purse solution.

I carry too much. I have upsized and I have downsized, looking for the right balance between having enough of the things I use constantly with me when I need them, and ease and comfort. I am extremely picky about having a well-organized purse, because I never want to have to root around for what I need. Everything is in a consistent pocket. I like purses with a key strap so I never have to hunt for my keys.

For the past several years, I have (to the wonder and probably faint derision of my children) carried TWO purses: a technology purse (with my phone, iPod and tablet, and charging cords and plugs) and a financial purse (wallet, checkbook, and everything else). This was rather embarrassing. And the purses were heavy. This week I decided (yet again) to rethink and try to do something about it.

The underlay of this card is a soulcollage card I created in 2008, a 'Committee card' (i.e., representing an aspect of myself) called the "Bearer of Burdens." This is the post when I first created it, and I blogged about it further here in 2011. I was always the sherpa for my family, the organized and prepared one, the person who carried the tape measure, the dental floss, the handi-wipes. Part of this was because of the sheer fact that I was the ONLY member of my immediate family who DIDN'T have ADHD, and so I would often have to whip something out at a moment's notice to save the day.

In the lower right I have put a picture of the new rather large tote purse I found this week (and spent too much money on). In the sky above the camels, I have placed pictures of EVERYTHING I am now carrying in the purse:

• pens and checkbooks
• a quilted cup cosy (shaped like a corset) for hot coffee cups
• a Stasher bag with charger, charging cords
• my iPod touch
• keys
• a card case where I keep my credit cards
• my tablet for reading (which I am constantly whipping out to read from whenever I'm stuck in a line)
• dental floss
• redacting tape for making corrections in my checkbook register
• mini Stasher bags with charging plugs and earbuds
• tweezers (I HATE the little hairs that grow out of my chin and pluck them out the instant I feel them)
• mini tape measure
• chapstick
• a dental squeegee thingummy for irrigating out the food particles that get caught in the hole where my wisdom tooth used to be
• a card case for business cards for my employer
• a checkbook register
• my phone
• a string bag for purchases
• a utensil case with bamboo utensils
• cough drops
• wallet
• kleenex holder with handkerchief inside
• brass nameplate I wear at my organization's events

To the right, I have placed pictures of the items I've removed from the purse in the hopes of making it lighter (with the red x's over them).

• a Moleskine notebook
• a manicure case with nail files and a compact mirror
• my old wallet
• my old worn card case

It IS lighter, which is a relief, and well-organized, but still, it's ridiculously big. I will try to be mindful of removing just what I need to a smaller purse when I am going out for a limited errand--except that I hate switching things back and forth. I'm always afraid I'll absentmindedly leave my wallet in the wrong purse and then won't have my driver's license when I need it.

I'm reminded of the time I watched Fiona emptying her (much smaller) purse on a table in front of me, and I inquired, rather baffled, why she had a plastic cockroach in her purse.

"The more important question," she informed me loftily, "is why don't you carry a plastic cockroach in your purse, Mom?"

Purse



Click here to read about the 52 card project and see the year's gallery.

I went to Minicon 54 this past weekend and it was good.

It was good last year, too, my first after Rob's death, which sort of surprised me. And then I fell apart spectacularly the day afterward. I feared that this time, too, grumbling to myself that I didn't have time for a grief storm, what with work heating up so much right now. And I really didn't have one.

This was the first time I faced Minicon without ANY of my family. Fiona and Delia bailed this year.

Had breakfast with Jane Yolen both days, and really, what an excellent way to start any day.

I decided quite deliberately to sign up for panels in order to keep myself busy, and that worked well. One was on the tie between mental health and creativity, and how creative people can use art to keep depression at bay. I brought my soul collage cards and talked about them, and people were definitely interested. I put out about forty or so for people to look at after the panel, and quite a few people lingered to see them, which was gratifying for me. Adam Stemple was also on that panel, and he brought some research with him that fit with everything I've thought about the subject: creative people ruminate, meaning, they think deeply and repeatedly about certain subjects, turning them over and over in their mind--but rumination can also be at the root of depression.

Another panel I thought was extremely interesting, with lively discussion, was about assumption of commonality. I may have derailed it a bit when the moderator got to me and I started talking about how I'm concentrating these days on trying to see beneath the assumption of commonality, and trying to deconstruct my own privilege by noticing how we are different, and I brought up one of the examples I'd learned about in my racial justice task force training: many of us had checked into the hotel for the weekend and found, as always, the little samples of shampoo that the hotel provided. I said that I had always assumed that was a nice, welcoming gesture--until someone pointed out that those are always, always, always, hair products for white people. Black people have different hair with different textures that often require different hair products. That had never occurred to me until it was pointed out to me. Anyway, the discussion was respectful, interesting and thoughtful (to me at least), and I enjoyed it very much.

Also was on a fanfic writing panel with Naomi Kritzer, Lyda Morehouse, Ruth Berman, with Katie Clapham as the moderator. Got to talk about Alternity, which was fun.

I bought too many books. I also discovered another reason to miss Rob: he was the one who kept the mental inventory of what books to buy next in the series we both collected.

I bid on something in the art show, the only time I've done so in all the years I've gone to Minicon. Wouldn't you know, it ended up being the only item in the entire show that went to auction (it was a dishtowel with mathematical symbols, with the value of pi woven into the number of threads in the stripes; I'd wanted to get it for Fiona. I met with the other bidder and we worked it out, and Fiona is now the proud owner of an overpriced dish towel that she will love very much.

Eric stopped by the hotel briefly to see me on Saturday night. I got to introduce him to a few friends in the Green Room. Minicon in the evenings is not quite what it was a decade or two ago, however. He didn't stay long, but I was touched that he came out to see something for himself that is, after all, quite important to me and part of my personal history.

The hardest part came at the end, sitting through Closing Ceremonies. I was a bit teary when I walked out--not just because Minicon was over, which always brings me down a bit, but because Rob and I generally went our own separate ways at Minicon, but we always, always sat together at Closing Ceremonies, so that is when I miss him the most.

This came up in my Facebook memories feed today: Rob and I sitting together at Closing Ceremonies at Minicon 46 in 2011. Rob, of course, is wearing a Minicon shirt.

Here's a new card I made tonight that I quite like.

I've taken the Strengthsfinder test, and my very top strength is "Strategic."

The Woman Who Copes Ahead - Committee Suit
I am the One who plans ahead to make the future as successful as possible. I can instantly plot the best path through the maze. I am the Ant who brings in the harvest, who keeps an eye on the clock and the calendar, who saves for emergencies and retirement and always remembers to pay the insurance bill. I am gifted, wise, confident, and clever. My family benefits from my foresight and organization.

This is the card I was dreaming of when I took pictures of Fiona when she was fifteen years old. I had a very vivid picture of the card in my mind, and it still isn't there quite yet, but it's a lot closer, what with all that I've been learning about software this week.



Fiona - Community Card
I am the daughter always in motion, the spinner, the warrior, the dancer, the delight.

I remember when Fiona was four years old vividly. She was always spinning. I wrote, once, about a walk I took with the two girls around the block. Delia (barely two) lurched gravely along, diaper creaking, occasionally stopping to crouch to examine a bug, a stone, a leaf. And then she would be up and moving again, pacing herself as if she were taking a ten mile walk.

Fiona flittered in and around us, dancing around us, spinning joyfully, peppering us with exclamations and questions: "Isn't the sky blue! I can't wait until I can go swimming. I need a new bathing suit. Can we have spaghetti for dinner? How long until Daddy comes home?"

Later, the girls started karate, and that spinning girl always remained in the back of my head. This gets a little closer to what I had in mind.

As I said, the pictures were taken seven years ago. I imagine I will make cards of the girls through their lifetimes, as they discover new stages of themselves.

What do you think? Not quite what I'd envisioned (the spinning figures were meant to be more transparent/translucent) but I like it. At the very least, it is a relief to get out of my head and onto paper an image that has been knocking around in my head for years.

The Holy Tree - Council Suit
I Am the One who grows beautiful and strong, deeply rooted in the human heart. My branches shine with flowers, fruit and birds. Do not look in the bitter glass which shows only a barren reflection.



The Barren Tree - Council Suit
I Am the One who is barren and twisted, my branches full of calling ravens. I can fill your gaze entirely, yet I may be only a mere reflection from the Bitter Glass of the true Holy Tree within the heart.

I had a perfectly lovely evening last night with minnehaha K. We took a walk through her neighborhood, admiring the gardens, had a delicious dinner at an Italian trattoria (the scallops were especially exquisite) and then came back to her house and worked on collage. I had already assembled and had with me the elements I wanted to make this card, which has been much on my mind lately.


The Empty Nest - Council Suit
I am the One who is left behind, in pride and grief, when the babies are grown and launched into the world.

I wittered a bit over the card, wondering if I was missing something, and hunted through my various images, looking for something I could put on the little roof overhang on the nest. I also considered the idea of putting a mama duck looking out of the nest hole, and I did have a picture that would fit.

But I wanted the card to encapsulate the mixed feelings I have about it: both pride (the people in the crowd below are both cheering and have their hands up to provide support) and sadness. So I put in the watchful eye (with the teardrop) instead.

The ducks, by the way, are golden-eye ducks. They do that: fling themselves out of the nest, and with luck, they'll land on a bed of soft leaves or into the water.

As I've mentioned, Fiona moves out August 1 and Delia will be leaving for college the last week of August.

Yet it is important, and it arises out of a number of conversations I have been observing unfold over the past couple of years.

I would like to say this is a Council Card and not a Committee Card (i.e., an aspect of me), but I don't want to be as oblivious as the subject of my card by denying my own privilege. I could have avoided the whole issue by making the subject a white man, but I wanted to remind myself pointedly of my own personal privilege rather than to sooth myself with the idea that 'this is about someone other than me.' Therefore, I made the subject a white woman, like me. I will identify the card with both suits, a bridge card.




Privilege - Committee/Council Suit
I am the One who is unfairly advantaged over others due to race, class, gender, education, sexual orientation, country of origin, or other characteristics outside my control, yet oblivious to that advantage. Instead I assume my success is due to my own personal merit.

This seems to me to be one of the most uncomfortable cards I've made. I also hesitate to even post it, given how raw emotions are over the recent shooting in California (and yes, I have been reading the hashtag #yesallwomen over on Twitter). But I'm going ahead anyway.

Who was it who said art should afflict the comfortable and comfort the afflicted?

Today is the 14th anniversary of my online journal. Hurrah! It seems appropriate to post my newest SoulCollage card. I created this up at my sister Betsy's cabin, where I went with Betsy and Greg and my mom and Delia (Fiona was feeling under the weather) for a one day retreat in honor of my birthday (tomorrow)

This very pretty card was created by cannibalizing my old We'Moon desk calendars. I feel a bit guilty: its prettiness is due to other people's talents, not mine.



Creation's Wheel of the Year - Council Card
I am the One who turns the Wheel of the Year, circling around from birth and to death and then birth again. I am at the heart of all living things.

This is certainly akin to my Death and Rebirth card, but it adds the aspect of time, and of the neatness of the natural cycles, both the month and the year. I like the circle of what I think of as the Holy Tree going through the cycle, I adore what I take to be the little winged eggs, I like the circles being related to the spirals of DNA. Reminds me of the Peter Mayer song 'All the World is One.' One of the verses goes:

Ask an atom in the breath you take
Ask the water by the river bank
Ask a strand of DNA--it's written in your blood
One life running in your veins
One light from one big bang
You can try and separate it
But all the world is one, all the world is one

Huh, I went looking for the post where I posted my Death and Rebirth card, but I couldn't find it. Maybe I never put it up. ( Here it is )

Edited to add: I mentioned the 14th anniversary of my online journal to Fiona, who replied, "Wow, it's old enough to go to high school now!"

I do not like this card. I am not sure whether it's because it's powerful enough to hook into an uncomfortable subject matter, or I'm not pleased with it aesthetically. Perhaps both.

(Plus I lost one of my tools while making it in the hodgepodge of all my folders of images: my burnisher, which I use to press the collage down on the matt boards. Which is extremely annoying.)


Anxiety - Committee/Council Suit
I am the One who is always flinching back from imagined terrors both real and unreal. I live my life in a constant state of apprehension and misery.

I can clearly see the shadow side of this card: if you are familiar with the myth of the sword of Damocles, the person the sword hangs over is powerful. Yet I feel powerless in this card. I threw in a hodgepodge of my standard terrors. I notice that many of them come from above...the sensation that an anvil is about to descend out of the sky, perhaps. The similarity of the pose of the bat and the girl pleases me. It is said that bats are just as afraid of us as we are of them (personally, they just make me come unglued).

The deatheater mask (Bellatrix Lestrange's) really should have been the Dark Mark in the sky, but I didn't have a good picture of that. Still: the deatheater masks were meant to sow anxiety and terror.

It was an uncomfortable card to make. I can't decide whether I'm displeased with it because I would have preferred the Dark Mark to the deatheater mask or because, I dunno, the sort of posed sense that the whole thing has. All the characters in the card are looking out at the audience, rather than reacting to one another.

(The girl with the steel pot over her head reminds me of the Bobs' song about Helmets, which you can hear here. The whole point of wearing a helmet, the Bobs tell us, is that it keeps you calm.)

Perhaps it just a poor choice for a card to make before starting a new work week. Nevertheless, it was the card that needed to be made.

What do you think?